Marriage Counseling: Three Danger Stages In Your Marriage
Posted by Tina Cannon PhD LMHC in Marriage Counseling on 03-29-2009
Couples seek counseling at different stages in their marriage. There are many reasons people start marriage counseling and want help with their relationships. For the purpose of this post, we will discuss an overview of the marriage cycle and some of the danger years often seen in marriages. These years encompass from year two until seven. Then again around year twelve to seventeen and years twenty to twenty-five.
Stage One: After the first few years of marriage, often referred to as the “Honeymoon Phase”, couples start to realize that their dreamy, ideal mate is only human and has many annoying habits. Also resentments about chores, finances and family can begin. So, what is needed at this two to seven year interval of marriage is acceptance and compromise. Basically, acceptance of mates annoying habits and compromise with chores and family obligations. In marriage counseling, the challenge here is to first build a foundation of communication so that things that need to be accepted or compromised about can first be effectively talked about to resolve them. When couples can work through this stage in their marriage, they learn to share and compromise in their marriage and strengthen their commitment to each other until the next danger stage in the marriage cycle sometime between twelve and seventeen years.
Stage Two:
Unfortunately during the next stage between 12 and 17 years of marriage is when a lot of divorces occur. During this time, many couples are entering middle age and they start re-examining their life goals. They often start wondering if they are missing out on something being with their partner or if their partner will be able to fulfill all their future goals together with them. This is the time many couples separate from each other, either physically and live separately, or emotionally and stay under the same roof but act aloof towards each other. In men, we often see what is termed a “mid-life crisis” which usually encompasses them trying to re-capture their youth by buying sport cars or trying to date much younger women. In women, they will often return to school, start a new business or start working out more.
If the couple has separated, they may still want to work things out because they still are committed to the marriage and still feel love for each other. So separation does not mean a definite end to the marriage and can actually, in some cases, help each of them to realize how much they still love each other. It sometimes can re-ignite their passion for each other. When couples seek marriage counseling at this stage in their marriage, they are either wanting to reunite or giving it a last effort before divorce. So, the first thing in marriage counseling at this stage is to be on the same page for the marital goals. Often, if the marriage is to survive through this stage, both partners have to agree on a life plan together, accept the change in their passion for each other and agree to go forward in their life together.
Stage Three: The next danger stage occurs sometime between year 20 and 25. During this time in a couples marriage, they often find themselves alone with each other again. Usually the kids are grown and gone or more independent. There may have been a retirement from a long career or a change in physical abilities for one or both of the partners. At this time some people start to think that they have one last squeeze out of life and this would only happen with a divorce and a “new” start. The goal of marriage counseling at this stage is to help the couple find that inner peace and satisfaction with their life and their partner. If this is accomplished, often couples will stay together and enjoy their golden years in harmony.
If you find your marriage has entered into one of these stages or there are other issues affecting your marriage, seek marriage counseling with a Licensed Counselor who can help you and your partner resolve these marital issues. Many times, if counseling is sought at the beginning of a stage or problem, the issue may be resolved before resentments and separation occurs. It is rarely too late to get help for your marriage at any stage, so it is better to seek marriage counseling then to do nothing about the problems. Marriages can be saved and rejuvenated with some work and a commitment to each other.
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Thank you for pointing out these three danger milestones. Knowing this makes it a lot easier to distinguish whether professional intervention is necessary. Thanks for the helpful resource!
Yes, I think it is very important for couples to recognize these milestones so they can get help to save their marriage before it is too late.
oh man, this was exactly what i was looking for in my research assignmnet. very straight forward and gets to the point. thanx alot for your hard work.
These stages remind me of Sheldon Vanuaken’s evocative phrase, “Creeping Separateness,” which he used to describe the almost imperceptible shifting and moving apart which affects nearly every marriage and love, unless we are so mindful, and very intentional.
As a marriage and family therapist, I am well aware of this kind of poverty, but also the rich and varied opportunities for renewal and healing. In fact, the “return for investment” when couples take just SOME time to carefully regard and consider each other, to offer forgiveness and kindness, and interest… is really quite remarkable… and encouraging.
We have also developed a 500 card game which couples play in restaurants, over coffee, while out for a walk, which is designed to encourage risk taking, planning, sharing, and committing to new adventures and loving together. We have had such positive feedback from so many couples who are “playing the game;” some married just a year or two, and others who have been married for 40 years.
Dr. T. Sellick
Canada
http://www.aprivateaffairgame.com/
http://blog.aprivateaffairgame.com/
It’s great to see a blog with good psychoeducation for couples to encourage them to take risks and improve their relationship.
We have also developed a Hope-focused marriage website to support couples and couples counselors to effectively love, have faith and work towards a healthy marriage.
Dr J Ripley
Professor of Psychology, Regent University
http://www.mmatecenter.com
The information I’ve got here is very useful. I hope all the tips here can keep up my relationship with my wife
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A definite great read..
-Bill Bartmann
I‘m sure many of you are like me and one of the first things you do in the morning is head here and check out the new post. Along with seeing the new posts, I’m also always checking out the blog roll rss feed and watching them grow, or shrink sometimes. In one of my past …but all in all excellent site. Keep it up!
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Help. Happily married for 23 years and my wife, who is now working part time after raising three great children, wants to buy a car, now. Her original plan was to save and pay cash for a used car. Now, she is consumed with I want a new car now, I deserve it. Her current auto is a 2003 SUV, which runs well and no longer serves out family. Still, I am at a loss on attemped comprise. “How much shall we save, if we buy a new car…”. This all to her is my not supporting her independence. She is at the point of qualifying (on her own) for a car. The result will be six years of car payments and a badly bruised marriage. I love my wife and am trying to be supportive but I do not know what to do, when anything short of her gettin the new car she wants now, is “not supporting me…”. Help?
Mark
Hello Mark.
It sounds like there is more going on here than just the purchase of a new car. Remember compromise is key to any marriage issue. If you and your wife are interested in getting help for this issue, just email me privately together in the same email with both sides so maybe I can help in working out a compromise that will satisfy both of you.
The other option is to seek a marriage counselor in your area for a session.
Best Regards,
Dr. Tina Cannon
To do a good job of encouraging your partner, pay attention to what is important to your partner. Too many people in a relationship give lots of encouragement for toward the goals they want instead of what their partner really wants. An example of encouragement might be: “You seem frustrated by your work lately. But I’ve seen you handle even worse problems. Tell me more about it.”
Interesting insight regarding the stages of marriage. Awareness of these stages is a good thing, as long as one of the spouses does not get too obsessed with the potential dangers.