The Best Counseling Blog

Couples seek counseling at different stages in their marriage. There are many reasons people start marriage counseling and want help with their relationships. For the purpose of this post, we will discuss an overview of the marriage cycle and some of the danger years often seen in marriages. These years encompass from year two until seven. Then again around year twelve to seventeen and years twenty to twenty-five.

Stage One:  After the first few years of marriage, often referred to as the “Honeymoon Phase”, couples start to realize that their dreamy, ideal mate is only human and has many annoying habits. Also resentments about chores, finances and family can begin. So, what is needed at this two to seven year interval of marriage is acceptance and compromise. Basically, acceptance of mates annoying habits and compromise with chores and family obligations. In marriage counseling, the challenge here is to first build a foundation of communication so that things that need to be accepted or compromised about can first be effectively talked about to resolve them. When couples can work through this stage in their marriage, they learn to share and compromise in their marriage and strengthen their commitment to each other until the next danger stage in the marriage cycle sometime between twelve and seventeen years.

Stage Two:

Unfortunately during the next stage between 12 and 17 years of marriage is when a lot of divorces occur. During this time, many couples are entering middle age and they start re-examining their life goals. They often start wondering if they are missing out on something being with their partner or if their partner will be able to fulfill all their future goals together with them. This is the time many couples separate from each other, either physically and live separately, or emotionally and stay under the same roof but act aloof towards each other. In men, we often see what is termed a “mid-life crisis” which usually encompasses them trying to re-capture their youth by buying sport cars or trying to date much younger women. In women, they will often return to school, start a new business or start working out more.

If the couple has separated, they may still want to work things out because they still are committed to the marriage and still feel love for each other. So separation does not mean a definite end to the marriage and can actually, in some cases, help each of them to realize how much they still love each other. It sometimes can re-ignite their passion for each other. When couples seek marriage counseling at this stage in their marriage, they are either wanting to reunite or giving it a last effort before divorce. So, the first thing in marriage counseling at this stage is to be on the same page for the marital goals. Often, if the marriage is to survive through this stage, both partners have to agree on a life plan together, accept the change in their passion for each other and agree to go forward in their life together.

Stage Three:  The next danger stage occurs sometime between year 20 and 25. During this time in a couples marriage, they often find themselves alone with each other again. Usually the kids are grown and gone or more independent. There may have been a retirement from a long career or a change in physical abilities for one or both of the partners. At this time some people start to think that they have one last squeeze out of life and this would only happen with a divorce and a “new” start. The goal of marriage counseling at this stage is to help the couple find that inner peace and satisfaction with their life and their partner. If this is accomplished, often couples will stay together and enjoy their golden years in harmony.

If you find your marriage has entered into one of these stages or there are other issues affecting your marriage, seek marriage counseling with a Licensed Counselor who can help you and your partner resolve these marital issues.  Many times, if counseling is sought at the beginning of a stage or problem, the issue may be resolved before resentments and separation occurs.  It is rarely too late to get help for your marriage at any stage, so it is better to seek marriage counseling then to do nothing about the problems.  Marriages can be saved and rejuvenated with some work and a commitment to each other.